I saw a man tonight, who ate by himself. Alone at a table in a fast food place. Little children buzzed around him with grime-crusted t-shirts and their little fingers coated in French fry grease. Mothers and fathers filled tables and booths around this man. They ate hurriedly, pausing often to call a child back from the game corner nearby. I watched as the man got confused when his gift card was 78 cents short. I watched as he scrambled slowly and laboriously to find change in his pockets, and coin purse, and wallet. He finally pulled out a five dollar bill and asked that the difference be put on the depleted gift card. He smiled and shook his head as he looked at the floor and talked to himself under his breath. I watched as the line built up behind him, as the cashier laughed politely, albeit nervously, at the man's mannerisms and perhaps the situation. I saw as people pointed him out to their friends. Discreetly and from a distance. He ate alone. Quietly, contentedly, and the whole time talking in a hushed voice as if his very best friend was sitting next to him. The dark night outside the window beside him reflected his gesturing hands and chagrined expression. I felt sorry for him, and all the while hated that response inside myself. If he wasn't different from everyone else, maybe he would be eating with a pretty girl, or have a little child to sit beside him. If he wasn't different maybe he would have a friend. He would have someone who would like him and understand him and want to be with him. If he just wasn't different... The thing is, I don't wish him to not be different - not really. I don't want to change him, I want to change me. He really was so beautiful. So unique and special. He was so kind and interesting, why should it be his fault that no one else can see it, that no one dares to be his friend, to love him purely for just who he is. It's not his fault that that he was eating alone - it's mine, and everyone else in that room, who felt a little uncomfortable, who looked away, who felt sorry for him. I live in a bubble, a place of false security. I want to be better than that. For myself and for others around me. I want to change my world, I want to influence the lives around me. I want relationship to be a tool in my purpose not merely a self-gratifying pleasure. No one should have to eat alone because they are different, because no one has had the courage to say to them, Thank God you are!
All things bright and beautiful,All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all
Thank you God for the gift of animals in my life, thank you for their message,thank you for their joy
My God, be my hope when I am without, be my passion when my eyes hurt and my head is pulsating. Lord, be my energy, when I am lost and tired. Savior, be my comfort when I am scared. Be my Father when, as a child, I cry out in frustration and anxiety. Let me find the joy you have placed within me, and may that joy be for you alone.
The longing and ache for my baby is getting downright annoying! It's a feeling I can't quite understand, an intimate knowing and hoping and loving, that for as wonderful as it is, seems inappropriately timed as this baby is years from being born. I feel a lonely emptiness, not sadness or grief - just a sense of unfulfilled hope. There is a mother inside of me, and everyday more of me is morphing into that existence. I hope I am doing right by this child, right for my husband and I, right for my ultimate purpose (whatever that may be), to wait. School has taken so much from me, and threatens so much more. Such a huge part is not ready now, and I am denying the part that is so very ready - hiding, covering, trying to convince myself that it is for the best, that it is necessary for now.
I'm not as cool and crazy as I once was - not nearly as much fun either. I haven't dyed my hair in well over a year, my makeup bag has long ago become lost in the back of the cabnet, and I get way too excited at the prospect of finally buying a bra that fits! I am married to a programmer, he's good at what he does. He writes software, makes a lot of money ( I can say that because I don't contribute a cent!) and he loves me even when I smell bad and yell alot -both of which happen way too often. I am a vet student, half way through my second year (in other words, a year and a half ago I sold my soul to the devil, threw out my rose-colored glasses, and got cozy with the dark hole which is now my life. We have a Dane and a Golden, a crippled cat, and three kittens who are currently suffering from a fungal infection, along with my husband these creatures are my sunshine - call me nutty, I probably am after all. I don't get out much anymore, I miss my friends. I am often tired, cranky, and scared - I am only human after all, but I also have a deep calming peace - for I am where I must be, God is good, and hopefully in another couple years I will be both smarter and better adjusted, though I have a hunch I will still be just me, which has always managed to somehow be good enough.
Well, here goes nothing. My first blog entry ever. Funny, but my first gut reaction is that I hope nobody reads this... I have been obsessed with blog reading for well over a year now, addicted to specific writers and I spend hours of my free times searching for new stories and lives that speak to my soul.
I have been depressed. And I am sick of it. I have started taking medicine - have successfully made it a whole week, which when it comes to daily taking a little pill is quite the achievement for me! If my birth control method required a once a day pill I would surely be pregnant by now, so alas I really must be sick of being depressed! Sick of being angry and sad and lonely and lost. I need to write more and pray more. So this should be good all the way around... I hope.
I pray for peace God, and love. I have such a dark life, my thoughts are sinful and selfish, I long for things that will make me happy because I hate being sad, even when I know that sadness is a gift when I have you in my life, when you are my goal and my joy. I want to want you more - I want to sing your glory, I want to shine your light, I want to pull myself from the depths of my own disgusting self toward your light and your promises! I want to be happy because of you and not of my own actions and dreams and expectations. I have been relying on myself and trying to hold my husband accountable for my loneliness and sin, and have failed both him and I... And you my Lord. Q is not my God, nor my redeemer - I am not those things either, and I am nothing without them. I am tired of living - or trying to live - like this. I choose, you, God in face of all of my circumstances and fears, all of my needs and longing, all of my dreams and hopes - I give to you, I entrust you, and ask you to take control, to regain your rightful and perfect place in my life. Give me the wisdom and peace to stay out of your way, remind me always of your sovereignty, forgiveness, and love. I am in need, and will forever be.
I am a vet student, married to a computer guy, loving my animals, longing for our future children, seeking God in my life, trying to find my place in the world.