Well, here goes nothing. My first blog entry ever. Funny, but my first gut reaction is that I hope nobody reads this... I have been obsessed with blog reading for well over a year now, addicted to specific writers and I spend hours of my free times searching for new stories and lives that speak to my soul.
I have been depressed. And I am sick of it. I have started taking medicine - have successfully made it a whole week, which when it comes to daily taking a little pill is quite the achievement for me! If my birth control method required a once a day pill I would surely be pregnant by now, so alas I really must be sick of being depressed! Sick of being angry and sad and lonely and lost. I need to write more and pray more. So this should be good all the way around... I hope.
I pray for peace God, and love. I have such a dark life, my thoughts are sinful and selfish, I long for things that will make me happy because I hate being sad, even when I know that sadness is a gift when I have you in my life, when you are my goal and my joy. I want to want you more - I want to sing your glory, I want to shine your light, I want to pull myself from the depths of my own disgusting self toward your light and your promises! I want to be happy because of you and not of my own actions and dreams and expectations. I have been relying on myself and trying to hold my husband accountable for my loneliness and sin, and have failed both him and I... And you my Lord. Q is not my God, nor my redeemer - I am not those things either, and I am nothing without them. I am tired of living - or trying to live - like this. I choose, you, God in face of all of my circumstances and fears, all of my needs and longing, all of my dreams and hopes - I give to you, I entrust you, and ask you to take control, to regain your rightful and perfect place in my life. Give me the wisdom and peace to stay out of your way, remind me always of your sovereignty, forgiveness, and love. I am in need, and will forever be.


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