Hope unfulfilled

The longing and ache for my baby is getting downright annoying! It's a feeling I can't quite understand, an intimate knowing and hoping and loving, that for as wonderful as it is, seems inappropriately timed as this baby is years from being born. I feel a lonely emptiness, not sadness or grief - just a sense of unfulfilled hope. There is a mother inside of me, and everyday more of me is morphing into that existence. I hope I am doing right by this child, right for my husband and I, right for my ultimate purpose (whatever that may be), to wait. School has taken so much from me, and threatens so much more. Such a huge part is not ready now, and I am denying the part that is so very ready - hiding, covering, trying to convince myself that it is for the best, that it is necessary for now.