uh boy... a wave of depression hit me today. I should have been ready, my mind and body too often react this wave after the build-up of a big exam. But I never am ready, it always seems to sideswipe me. I have been a raging bitch this entire last week, yelling and crying and scaring, trying desperately to hold it all together to try and study, using that as some big excuse, the reason I can't be who I want to be, the reason I look so unfamiliar in the glass of a mirror...
The test is over, with a worse one on the way, and I can't even catch my breath long enough to mutter an apology, let alone muster a change. Evan was gone all night, I barely saw him today... I locked the dogs up, and sat by myself for hours... I know it wasn't the best choice, I know I should have done differently - I know it by how I feel, by what I have to show for myself - filth and guilt and loneliness.
I don't really want to be in this place right now, there is a lot I want to change, there is a lot I want to be. I don't know who I am right now, and I certainly don't like her very much, whoever she is. I don't feel as afraid as I am prone, but I feel like I have lost some sense of self monitoring - control over anything. I am at the mercy of whatever is leftover at the end of the day or week. I can't even make a dentist appointment or pick up a prescription, let alone pass my classes or walk my dogs. I haven't cooked dinner, or done laundry, all of my laughter seems so temporary and false, no matter how much I try to ensure its integrity... Alone and sad, but still expected, required, to be everything,always... At great cost... Such a cost

2 Comments:

At 10:04 PM, Blogger dr. david said...

After the first year of medical school there is not a single test that I can recall taking. Now there must have been dozens, if not hundreds that I took, but none that I recall.

There came a time when it all became just a blur and the goal became just to survive. Now, you are doing much better than just surviving, but if it is any comfort, I know the place from which you speak.

I send my love. I would wrap you in my bearhug arms if I were there. Big hug.

 
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