But it's my blog - I can write whatever I want - it's your choice to read it.
My life is falling to bits around me. Not my soul, not my deeper sense - not yet. But my laundry and dishes, and the little dog hair dustbunnies that are EVERYWHERE. I long for order and neatness (it doesn't necessarily have to be clean) The comfort I get from a orderly and tidy "life" is capable of fueling almost everything else, or at least gives it a push in the right direction. Truth be told, I hate doing house work, and maintaining organization. Actually, not only do I hate it, but I generally suck at it too. But having it done, and keeping up on it is somehow intricately related to my wellbeing, like good Karma or Fung Schwai (sp?) The idea that if you are surrounded by beauty, and happiness, and peace it starts to blend into you, and it becomes a little easier to be beautiful and happy and peaceful.
It's always the first to go for me, the good vibes of my environment, but then everything else that is needed to make me a happy, well balanced, and successful person starts to follow... And that is where I am now... Holding desperately to the threads of my mental health, my walk with God, my relationship with my husband, and my studies.
All of that on the line, and all I can focus on is the dirty underwear on the floor, and the smelly dog blankets that need to be washed, and the pile of "stuff" sitting on my desk that has a place to be and just isn't there right now. The list goes on and on, sitting defiantly - a mockery of the destruction it is causing within me.
Now here is my biggest frustration, the worst enemy in this plight: It's ME. I have no problem identifying the issue, its fixing it I can't seem to manage. Its a cycle of sorts - I feel down and overwhelmed because of the mess, but I don't pick up the mess because I am too gloomy and emotionally fragile (which, hard as it is to fully understand has a direct effect on my physical energy levels) It seems so simple in words - empty the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, pick up the underwear. But that is where I struggle, I flounder, I drown under the weight of the waves. Perhaps I sound melodramatic, but the desperation is intense, the struggle is real, and I hate it - I hate myself for it. I have no one else to blame. If you don't like the state of things, Kristin - change it, or stop whining already! Why, oh why isn't it that easy...
Unfortunately this is one of the places in our lives where Q and I could have used a little more "different but complementing" personalities. Sadly, he is my greatest helper in trashing these physical aspects of our life, we are messy in different ways, but struggle with the organizing, cleaning, and upkeep almost identically. Where we are different, and this infuriates me to no end, is it doesn't bother him!! He can get up an be just as happy and peaceful and focused as always, even when there are poop streaks in the toilet bowl and no clean socks in the drawer. Sure he like a tidy house as well as the next guy but it doesn't eat at him, it doesn't wreak havoc on his soul, and I think he is only just beginning to understand how it leaves my own soul so vulnerable...

So, without further ado, my list:
Fold laundry
take pop cans to deposit
wash dog blankets and beds
organize and put away sewing stuff
vacuum and clean dog room
get dog food
replant cutting of tank plants
clean litter boxes
wash couch blankets
vacuum, dust house
mop dining room floors
throw out bad food in fridge
pick up dirty clothes in bathroom, bedroom, and study
clean out stuff from under bed and vacuum under there
load dishwasher
clean kitchen counters
throw out empty shampoo bottles
clean sink and toilet
clean the baseboards in bathroom
do towel laundry
do clothes laundry
organize school notebooks and tests
print notes for upcoming tests
take car in to get a new tire
clean out and tidy car
e-mail ARL about summer job
clip Jubilee's toenails
buy ink cartridge
organize the bathroom cupboards, and vanity drawers
get my eyebrows waxed and hair cut maybe?
unpack a still packed suitcase
go grocery shopping
call Clear Lake for summer reservations
take fecal sample to vet
replace light bulbs in bathroom
dust TV and computer
I'm sure there is more, I will have to update


At 9:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! The annoying nit-picking chatter going on in our heads. I resemble that!

I've kinda figured out the puzzle...but you may have too, I'll bet!

At 10:11 PM, Blogger dr. david said...

I've missed your posts. I hope you start again.


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