dr. wengel

August 11, 2008

2008-08-20T20:53:00.001-07:00

August 9, 2008

2008-08-20T20:27:00.001-07:00

I was a little late. But had grown tired of getting my hopes up. I was busy with so many things and let an unwrapped pregnancy test sit unused in my makeup bag.
I was having such a wonderful weekend with all my favorite people. We were heading out to the amusement park, and the thought crossed my mind that perhaps now would be a good time to pee on the stick. I didn't feel especially lucky, just happy.
My plan was to hop back in bed for ten minutes before making the official check, but my eyes caught the emerging lines as I tried to walk away, and THERE IT WAS. Lighter then the control, but THERE IT WAS, without question. I picked it up and walked into the sunlit bedroom. My heart started beating, and yet I didn't quite believe it at the same time.
I knelt beside Evan, and said, "look." He grinned, and we started to giggle. In a beat, he rolled over towards the other bed and said, "Hey Matt, look!" After some more giggles, Matt suggested, "let’s go tell mom and dad," and in the same breath, "I need to put pants on!"
The three of us piled into their room, and in the shadowy darkness, amidst the ceaseless giggles, my now shaking hands held up the test and said, "Look! Two lines, there are two lines!"
The girls barely budged, and the four of us finally roused them with our excited, "LOOK!" We got an earful in Russian that implied the fact that, "we see, thank you very much, but we would rather be sleeping!"
And that was it really. We got ready dressed, ate breakfast, and spent the day wandering an amusement park. Nothing incredibly unusual, except for the fact that my world was a new and foreign reality. My whole life changed, so quietly and drastically in those perfect, simple moments.

Playing Catch Up!

2008-08-11T12:08:00.001-07:00

Well, well, well, how things have changed. I don't know if I will be any better at keeping up on blog posts, but I thought I might give it a try. Let's do a little re-cap shall we? I graduated vet school. I think that bears repeating: I GRADUATED VET SCHOOL! Whew! We relocated to Omaha, NE. Evan is working a few feet away in his brand new office. That's right, he is working, at home, (and don't tell him I told you, but I believe he is still in his pajamas!) The dog's have their very own back yard, complete with grazing bovine. That's right, cows, in Omaha! Just minutes from where I work! Speaking of work, I love it! It is stressful and scary, but I really do love it! We are close to our families, except those pesky two that moved out to California (we miss them always).
Ok. And here is news you have been waiting for: we are with child. There, I said it, and it's true. So I hope to chronicle our life before he comes. And even as I type that, I realize he has already come, and regardless of the future details, our small family will never ever be the same again! May this be a place to remember the little things that get too quickly overlooked. A place to plan and dream and connect. She is so very little, deep inside me. I don't feel her, not at all. But I trust he is true with every part of me. We wait and plan for a time in April. A time of birth. A time of beginning. A time of happily ever after.

Somethings I have done (in bold)

2007-03-31T19:16:00.000-07:00

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger.
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children/currently raising child
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life.

Dear God,

2007-03-30T18:45:00.001-07:00

How cool would that be! I have a friend who lives in Cedar Rapids. She's horrible. We could hang out all the time and drive our husbands crazy with are annoying ways and funny shananagins! Cedar Rapids... hmmm...
love, ME

Still Here

2007-03-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I am alive and kicking... past that... I'm not so sure...
It's been a rough semester, and sadly it's far from over... All the same, spring is in the air - the barbecues are being fired up, and the dogs are (with Marcie - quite literally) bouncing off the walls to get out for a walk. The fresh air helps. It helps a lot.
We ate dinner on the picnic table tonight, and the asparagus was heavenly! It's the simple things really.

I have my fourth year schedule two rotations from completely finalized. The light is getting brighter, down there at the end of the proverbial tunnel. The Codepoet and I have been talking plans for the fast approaching future.
Where will we be, what will be doing, how much money will we have, how much money will we need, what should we do, what can we wait for, when do we just jump in head first...
When I am done with this schooling business, it all seems so final - at last we are really, truly grown up. Codepoet has been testing the waters, transiting us in, so to speak, but the real deal is right behind the corner, and whoa! Yeah, whoa.
How do you juggle it all, without losing yourself in the midst, I thought vet school was trying - the thought of being completely and totally responsible for our future, that's heavier than I anticipated!
God is faithful. Thank God he is faithful. We are blessed. I'm doing just fine, one step at a time, just fine.

In the meantime, I have transitioned into a new artistic release, in between the everything else (which sadly demands the shotgun seat in the minivan of life- right now!) Finally, I am starting - and cross your fingers - finishing my wedding album!! I am having a blast with digital scrapbooking! I am using several free kits from a designer called Shabby Princess When I am done, I hope to have a professionally bound book printed! Yeah! I will also likely have the pages available online for viewing... we shall see.

And on that note, if you view my flickr pictures at all, I have decided not to renew my pro-account for this year - so I don't get as many sets/folders. All of my pictures are still there, only probably more difficult to find and not as organized. Ah well, such is life :)

Here are some of the pages I have been working on - pretty cool, huh?

Baby boy with little legs to munch on...

2007-02-20T06:02:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day 2007

2007-02-15T15:56:00.000-08:00

We made a deliciously simple dinner
We talked about eating by candle light, but neither one of us made any effort to find the candles
We shared in a small block of chocolately treat
I got a back rub, no questions asked AND undivided and much needed assistance with my math problems
He got a sexy good night smooch at 10PM
I studied until 12:30 AM, only to do miserably on my test at 8:00AM

Pathetic? Maybe. But it was wonderful all the same. Really wonderful. Really.

Another Day Gone

2007-02-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

Life is flying by. I am trying to find joy in the little things. Doggy pigtails and roller rinks. Trying not to focus on the bad things. Broken water pipes and cat bites. I suppose the good comes with the bad. And I come with a ready supply of medication :) So it all works out in the end.
I leave you with this, it made me laugh and laugh and laugh... Like I said, it's the little things...

WeeMee Family

2007-02-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

Introducing Priscilla Pacifica!

2007-02-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

It's a girl!!

The Engel family is proud to announce the arrival of Baby Girl Pacifica!

We brought our 2004 bundle of joy home on Jan. 29th 2007.
Big sisters Bella and Marcie welcomed her with open arms and wagging tails.

Priscilla has a lovely silver skin tone, a darling pair of heated seats, and a DVD player that has mom and dad busting their buttons!

Our family feels just a little more complete, and certainly our hearts are approximately 3,500 lbs fuller! Thank you for all your kind thoughts during this special time in our life!

(Our joy is only slightly over-shadowed by the loss of Selena Taurus... So, in loving memory of the little blue car who could... We are moving on!

Housekeeping

2007-01-30T14:45:00.000-08:00

I know you are out there. That's right I am talking to you. YOU! Go ahead, look protectively around your shoulder... Now look back... Look me in the eye and listen carefully.
I realize I have a handful of readers. And believe it or not, I know who most of you are. I keep tabs on you, much like you do me, though in not nearly as funny, interesting, or pictorial a form. Consider yourself the lucky ones. I see when you come and how long you stay, what you read, and what color underwear you have on for the day! (well, maybe not the underwear part, but you get the idea!) I love the familiar faces of Linn Creek, Missouri, Fairfield Bay, Arkansas, and Palo, Iowa (just to name a few). You don't even have to comment regularly, I feel loved and secure. Believe it or not, I am not talking to you, my faithful few (you may now take a relaxing sigh of relief and go back to your lurking in peace.

I am talking to you. You, who have been coming, reading, and coming back again, after, I, for the first time have publicly linked to this site.
I know you are out there, the estranged high school friends, the weird college people, and the few random vet school peers... I know you are out there, I know you are reading my blog, and I know you keep coming back... BUT I don't know who you are! And that is driving me more insane then I had banked on! Can you feel the insanity vibes jumping from the screen?!? You new sneaky people make me feel stalked and exposed. So, you blog lurkers who most likely know me in real life, let's get some things straight, m'kay?
1)I write what I want, and I try to be truthful.
2)I don't write very regularly or very often.
3)I allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable. So be nice.
4)I do appreciate comments, let me know who you are, what you think, etc. (it's only fair really, I write for you, and you drop a little note to say, "hey!" once in a while, yeah... That would be nice!)

Well, I feel better now! Enjoy the blog! And keep coming back! I will be unveiling the newest addition to our small family over the weekend sometime! That's right! Wee! I will give you a little teaser though: Her name is Priscilla ;)

One with Iowa

2007-01-30T09:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the my friend Lyz and a quirky quiz, I have proven, with what I am sure is a great deal of certainty, that I have indeed transplanted well. Well indeed.

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

20% Upper Midwestern

15% Yankee

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Happy Birthday Brother!

2007-01-27T21:43:00.000-08:00

Self Portrait Sunday

2007-01-21T07:43:00.000-08:00

A Story

2007-01-19T19:03:00.000-08:00

"Nice haircut!" I say getting into the waiting car. I suppose the comment rolled from my lips because 1: I knew he was getting a haircut today, and 2: he had definitely gotten said haircut... All the same, I should have chosen my words more carefully... For example, I may have considered leaving out the part about it being nice... He responded with a drawn out "Yeah..." "Yeah..." I echoed as I began to look a little closer... and from slightly different angles... "What happened!" I begin to giggle.
You have to understand the Code Poet - he's got style! He knows what he likes and likes what he likes! He has always put a great deal of time and energy into his self image. He takes great care in planning outfits, (er.. He probably has a more sophisticated and manly term...) shopping for clothing, and styling his hair(or lack there of ie: ask him someday about the infamous flavor savor!)
I have to say, I don't always 'get' his style, often am frustrated by it's oh-so-holy value within our marriage (I might go so far as to equate it to the proverbial 'other woman'), and from time to time am hurt by it (take for example the many times my thoughtful and beautiful gifts are returned to the store for something more suitable to 'The Style'. That being said... He's got IT - it's undeniable! He looks good - just about all the time... I won't argue a word when it comes to this truth.
So back to his hair. He had a stylist for years. Then I came along and feigned jealousy, so he handed the clippers over to me. To be realistic, something inside of him was most likely cringing and quaking - rolling over in disgust and fear.. But however strong the impulse to run and hide was, it paled in comparison to the thought of sitting in a tub with his shirt off, a cute girl snipping and buzzing and touching his hair...
That is, until the day I snipped a divot in the back of his head... requiring a full blown buzz cut to fix it - a buzz cut!!! Let's just say, no matter how cute I was, no matter how big my boobs were... I was never allowed to pick up a set of clippers again. The man apparently has a line, and I crossed over it in a very big way!
He has since spent his time trying to find just the right person to fill the void. He once spent over thirty dollars, on supposedly the 'best haircut ever'! To this day, He still recalls it with ruptured delight - in the same tones I might describe our honeymoon week... Needless to say, he never went back! Those big boobs still have a little power left!
Finally, He discovered a talented and reasonably priced beautician... Got a few good cuts out of her, was even on an automatic scheduling system (yeah it was a fast moving relationship!)
Then she up and went on maternity leave!
HAHAHAHA
Does it get any better than that!?!
HAHAHA
Then today happened.
HAHAHA
I probably shouldn't enjoy this so much :)

Ta DAH!!!!!!

2007-01-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my new site! What do you think? All praise and glory goes to the Code Poet - he is a great man with an amazing talent! (and is definitely getting some tonight!)
I suppose, now that I have this rocking interface you will all expect me to write inspiring and interesting posts to go into it... I dunno though, just staring at it's prettiness and clicking all of the cool pull-downs and custom buttons may keep me otherwise occupied for a little while... HAHA just kidding... or not....
Toodles, the night is young, and I have important things to get to!

I Love Photo Shop!

2007-01-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

Aftermath

2007-01-02T10:12:00.000-08:00

I am not feeling incredibly artistic at the moment. I suppose I have a lot to write about, as the last three weeks have been pretty wonderful... But for now, I have been busy getting chores done and am not in a particularly festive or nostalgic spirit. Maybe later in the week... For now I am here to tell you to jump on over to my flickr site (click on the photo badge on my sidebar), as I am beginning to upload and organize my pictures. See something you like, let me know. You can comment on the individual pictures once you have registered for a FREE account. A little bit of a hassle I know, but it is a great photo tool, if you take any digital pictures at all! If you want any of the photos for your self, I can set the preferences to allow you to download. Also, flickr has a printing service as well. I have yet to try it, but I have heard nothing but good things! All I ask is that you keep me posted on what you like and want. I will continue to be adding and updating this week!
Love you all!
Oh! And now that I have seen so many of you blog lurkers in person, I expect a little more in my comment box in the future!

Code Poet:

2006-12-20T21:11:00.000-08:00

Dear lovey-bear,
I miss you. Belle doesn't snore like you do, but she does kick a bit more, and she can't hold me gently and breathe in my ear.
You smell better too... I am taking a deep breath right now, and can smell your warm skin.
I can picture the pattern of freckles on the back of your neck, and the soft man-fuzz on your arms.
I know you're sleeping now -without me- you are most certainly king-like in your sea of pillows - finally all of them in just the right places, with no one to tell you to roll over or to quit hogging the duvet.
I imagine the Marsical keeping watch over the dark bedroom from the confines of her kennel (she is after all the worst pillow hog ever!), trying desperately to fill her dane-sister's shoes...
I miss kissing you goodbye in the early morning hours, and jumping in your arms when you return home. I miss you and love you!
See you soon,
Your sugarmuffin

P.S. oh! Here's a list of things I need you to bring:
glass cake serving tray
wedding card
plastic bra straps
Juby's old e-collar

Shit

2006-12-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

That's right, I said shit. I meant it too!
I am slowly and excruciatingly losing all function and capability.
The dark side is going to win.
I will be a ground up dust of a person when it's all over
a person who might have... could have... been something great.
The evil will win... I am melting...ahhhh! ahhhh!!!! melting.....
See you on the other side... ;)

All I Want for Christmas....

2006-12-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

Is a baby.
that's right, it's true...
a little one,
with red hair,
red curls, encircling a perfectly round face...
and fat legs for me to munch on,
with little pearls for toes...
I will snuggle this wee one close,
and protect, and encourage, and love until my heart explodes.
I can't think of a better Christmas present...

Extern Application Letter (If there are mistakes, I DON'T want to know - it's done and sent!)

2006-12-02T12:40:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to be a veterinarian my entire life, though I was never able to say with much certainty what I wanted to do. It has taken me nearly three years to clarify my ambitions for the future, and I cannot be more excited with my current plans and career goals. I have worked and volunteered at the Animal Rescue League in Des Moines for the last two years, working full time during the summer months.
Originally I sought out the job to gain animal handling experience, and to hone my clinical capabilities. I had no idea that this would change the way I view veterinary medicine and my role within the profession. The shelter atmosphere is unique in its broad functions and often limited resources. In just the short amount of time that I worked at the ARL, I saw the complexities and startling realities of lost and abandoned pets, adoption/education programs, exotic animals, abused animals, court cases, animal legislature, wildlife rehabilitation, population management, surgery, and animal behavior. The list goes on and on, presenting endless needs and just as many opportunities for creative solutions.
Shelter medicine is becoming more respected and valued within the veterinary profession. This shift in mentality will open the doors for change, and I want to be a part of that change. The impact of high quality shelter programs is becoming clear, and veterinarians play the crucial role in making this a continuing reality. I have witnessed first hand the need for resourcefulness, ingenuity, and passion when organizing and maintaining a successful program. I want to play a life long and influential role in the growth and planning of strong, effective, and trustworthy shelters for the future. I look at the possibilities, at the overwhelming challenges and diversity in this field, and feel confident this is the place for me!
I would like to establish my career in an animal shelter, though I am not, at this point, certain where or what type. Initially, I want to pursue comprehensive sterilization, educational, research, adoption, and rescue programs, and hope my path develops from there. I certainly have much to learn, and am very excited to use this opportunity in my fourth year, to work with established and effective shelter programs. I want to meet shelter veterinarians from across the country who have found ways of implementing their education and passion. I am anxious to expose myself to the many theories, beliefs, and practical applications of shelter work, especially those that differ from the ARL, as this is my sole shelter experience at this time. I hope to be inspired, and I look forward to seeing all of the many possibilities within the shelter context.

A poem entitled "Gotcha"

2006-11-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like a burp
that smells like cat food
from the mouth of an animal
that is NOT a cat
to tell a wife
that a husband left the bathroom door open
again.

It's been a dark night

2006-11-29T20:01:00.000-08:00

Today is a day I wish I had my dog
It is grey out and the sun is gone
it is cold and hostility blows at the window
it is warm in this room
but empty
I have a desperate feeling
and I wish I had my dog
(Nov. 2000 Journal entry)

I was talking about Jubilee of course.
These could be my very words today.
The weather has changed, finals are quickly approaching, and I miss my dog.
I didn't think this emptiness would last.
This hole.
I would be absolutely devastated with the loss of Belle or Marcie.
I am totally in love with those two.
I am completely enamored with each of their unique personalities.
But their presence doesn't lessen the emptiness.
I keep thinking it should.
My heart so full with love, still aches.
I don't understand that.

Today is a day I wish I had my dog.

Ho Ho Ho

2006-11-25T19:09:00.000-08:00

Oh the perils of posing animals... Well for that matter, posing myself sans double chin is hard enough by itself without the addition of canine family members! All the same, the idea was in my head and I forced my darling husband and unsuspecting roommates to participate. A family picture for Christmas, its a charming ambition don't you think?

The small horse that we own and love, isn't a poser. She is not photogenic. It is not a pretty experience trying to capture her grace and beauty from the other side of a digital camera. She would much rather lay prostrate displaying a lovely view of her privates, than to sit proudly like the fine specimen of the noble breed that she is.

The little rat that we own and love has a posing problem of her own, namely an attitude issue! As in, "I am not looking at your camera, not going to do it, won't happen! I will contort my body in weird and abnormal positions just so I don't have to look at that stupid camera! AND if you set me down for a small breather, (ie: a break so mom and dad can try to keep from losing their shit and yelling at their dumb, unposable creatures) I will run ALL THE WAY upstairs and hide on your bed, and then I WILL pee on your bed when you march ALL THE WAY up there to get me -- and I will do this EVERY SINGLE TIME you set me down!" Yeah, that's attitude if I ever saw it!

Couple this with a severe allergy to dog dander, and a husband who, bless his heart, can't do more than one thing at a time, and you have a Christmas picture filled with:

*skin hives
*grumpy expressions
*turned heads
*missing heads
*contorted body positions
*missing family members (so sorry Simon)
*slobbery bones dangling blurrily in front of the shot
*tons of double chins all around
*a flash of the random and unplanned Christmas cleavage
*Plenty of doggy vulva!

Merry Christmas, hohoho... I will make you all wait for the final product, but let's just say that Adobe Photoshop will be making up for it's inflated cost at the Wengel household this holiday season!

Things I am thankful for

2006-11-22T20:22:00.000-08:00

A warm cozy bed to sleep in at night, and during the afternoons on those lovely days where I don't have anything terribly pressing to get to.

A soft snuggly husband who calls me funny names and has way too much nipple hair (he made note of this little known fact, not me - just for the record)

A direction and plan for my life as a vet, I've been waiting for that one to come along for about as long as I have been trying to be a vet... something like, say, 23 years... on that note check this out and this, I am planning for my fourth year rotational externship opportunities! I'm applying to both!

A big lovable dope of a dog, who is finally beginning to show signs of maybe understanding the 'GET YOUR HEAD OFF OF MY COUNTER AND OUT OF MY SINK... AND OUT OF THE TOILET... AND HEY! OUT OF THE BATHTUB TOO!' command... I think the treadmill is actually paying off... only now I have to deal with the other blessing in my life who is currently ricocheting off of the walls like an ewok on a caffeine high. Bella's getting plenty of exercise, but it's been several weeks since the Marsical has been out! Who knew our little migrations were holding so much at bay!

Hair dye, sexy underwear, pumpkin rolls, Excedrin pain reliever, and eBay

Speaking of eBay! LA-DEE-DA! My Christmas shopping is done!

Speaking of Christmas! My tree is up and showering our home with warmth and happiness - such a simple, sweet blessing that is!

Speaking of sweet blessings... I love my family, I miss them all, and a part of me longs for the good old days, when we all shared the same house... the comfort of having my favorite people surrounding me all the time... But don't get any ideas Mom - I'm still sending you to a home! Just kidding, I love ya! :)

Happy Thanksgiving - wish me luck with this year's bird!

Cesar Millan, I love you!

2006-11-12T16:24:00.000-08:00

treadmil 015
Originally uploaded by Dr.Sabrina.

To tide you over until I have more time! Thanksgiving break here I come!

For all you whisperer fans out there!

2006-10-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

HAHAHA

Happy Birthday Baby!

2006-10-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

4bca[1]
Originally uploaded by Dr.Sabrina.

This picture is from the days when our love was fresh, and new, and exciting. We were young and crazy, beautiful, and thin, and so much fun! That being said, I think I like us better now - we mean more, we are more, it is sweet, and deep, and oh so rewarding!
You age well my prince, like a good cheese or wine, absolutely delicious... Another year down and a lifetime yet to come!

Grief

2006-10-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

I've learned some things about grief. It takes time... It takes its own time... Not mine. It also takes energy. I have learned that when you don't have those to give, or when you tight-fistedly wont give freely of these oh-so-precious commodities, something ugly will take shape - a mutated and warped little monster is born... So here I have found myself - attempting to destroy said little monster by first ripping off his head and then beating him with it, until all that remains is the true nursling grief, the comfort grief, the hope that is grief.
I am attempting to give my time and my energy. To the memory of a dog, but more importantly to myself and to my God. To what once was, what might be, what can never be again...
Time and experience are racing by like an un-manned train from an old western. This has been a mind-numbing and heart-wrenching year... My life is beginning to take shape, to truly solidify into something very very real, and it is an incredibly painful process. Losing my friend is really just one more piece of the chaos and desperation I have been living out, perhaps it will be THE piece, the final piece to some great puzzle, that I alone could never solve. Because, for as crazy and demanding, and destructive as my chosen path must be, by it's very nature - my soul, my spiritual journey has no business being so ridiculous, so flighty - not now, not ever!
I'm not sure how Juby plays into this truth, I can't put my finger on it exactly, but she has been so intricately tied to my spiritual connection with God. It sounds silly huh? A little melodramatic perhaps, but she was a gift, a gauge, a presence that was so directly linked to the creator and my place in the creation, her absence is truely a strange, huge, aching hole. But the sadness of loss carries with it also the hope of potential, the possibilities of fulfillment...
The map of my journey is marked with the roads of deceit and selfishness, blind alleys of lost intention and failed do-it-yourself schemes. Evan and I have been divinely protected, a gift we have never deserved, a grace we have never lived up to. We are on the threshold of a great and glorious future, and I refuse to let it happen by default, while I sit afraid and hurting, enchained in my sin and guilt, frozen with disenchantment and failed expectation.
Right now, in these moments, God is demanding so much - he is once and for all requiring our hearts, our minds, and our bodies be given solely to him. He is ganging-up on us, if you will, coming from all angles, all relationships, all experiences, and we are finally beginning to get the picture... It's a struggle, a process, and it hurts... But He. Is. Winning!
My loss, my grief, my pain - I'm so very certain it is all part of the same great happening, a journey which will become my story - God's story in me. I don't know all the connections and pieces just yet, I may never, but I know in my gut, it's God, all God...
Grief does not come alone, if you can get a glimpse past its looming presence, it comes with joy, it certainly comes with hope... Hope for something new, something richer and better.
It's a gift from God, the context for his life work in my heart and my mission! I AM able, I'm not sure I'm ready, but may God prepare my spirit and fuel my drive, may I have grace and passion to become something beautiful. May God take my life for all of time!
I miss my dog, her stinky breath, and silky ears... I miss her following me up and down the stairs and back again, and her piles of stolen shoes... I feel her absence in my house and in my consciousness, but her loss, as was her life, is really so much more then those things, and ultimately that's the point really.

Good bye Jubilee

2006-10-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

juby 008
Originally uploaded by Dr.Sabrina.

She struggled through the night, none of us slept much, and by morning she was exhausted but finally peaceful again. Evan fed her Pupperoni until she wouldn't eat anymore. We wrapped her in a blanket and she cuddled close to me during her last car ride. She lay contented, with her head in my lap, Evan held both of us, she took a deep breath which ended in one last final sneeze. In true Juby fashion - simple, sweet, and slightly quirky - she was gone.

some thoughts

2006-10-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

In response to my dear friend Lyz's post
I think I have to respectfully disagree. Sin in our world has many faces, it is misdeed and thought, it is action against God, and it is also the warped and distorted image of his once perfect creation. This last type of sin-influence is rampant in our biological world, it has many faces – cancer, schizophrenia, and death even. A thing like depression, isn’t God-given, nor is it a perfect state, either is a selfish desire, or polio-stricken limbs, a limited mind, or blindness.
I think some conditions or ‘disorders’ like ADD (maybe types of autism fall here too) may actually be a blessing or a gift in our character and not a consequence of a fallen world at all, but that may be a different topic all together!
The way I see it, things like autism or downs, are not perfect states of being, anymore then a broken arm or diabetes - not because these people have fallen short of a television-induced ideal, but because they reflect God’s injured perfection.
That being said, I think that all people, with all injuries of the flesh or spirit, have a place in our world, they have a role and a voice, they are no more ‘imperfect’ then anyone else - just in their own unique, and generally, more obvious way. It’s this point that I think is the major fault of current society, not that they identify the imperfect qualities of others, but that they don’t see it in themselves. That and the so-called imperfect are lessened and looked upon with pity, shame, and hatred!
We were all made in the image of God, and we were all broken and limited by the entrance of sin. We are all waiting for his promise to heal us, to restore our minds and spirits, make us whole and, at last, perfect as planned.
My two cents, any thoughts?

MMM... sushi

2006-10-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

so, um... I want sushi! Right now! Succulant, cool, wasabied goodness - in my mouth! now! I am not ashamed to admit to you all that this craving was brought on by last night's dream (thanks for the dream pills, mom!) where I gave birth to a baby wrapped in california rolls... yes, that's right - rolls - wrapped up in them like a cuddly baby blanket... and now I want raw fish... go figure!

I think I have found my blog catch phrase

2006-10-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

Someday these will be our 'old days'
Let's make them worth the memory...

What do you think?

:(

2006-09-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

uh boy... a wave of depression hit me today. I should have been ready, my mind and body too often react this wave after the build-up of a big exam. But I never am ready, it always seems to sideswipe me. I have been a raging bitch this entire last week, yelling and crying and scaring, trying desperately to hold it all together to try and study, using that as some big excuse, the reason I can't be who I want to be, the reason I look so unfamiliar in the glass of a mirror...
The test is over, with a worse one on the way, and I can't even catch my breath long enough to mutter an apology, let alone muster a change. Evan was gone all night, I barely saw him today... I locked the dogs up, and sat by myself for hours... I know it wasn't the best choice, I know I should have done differently - I know it by how I feel, by what I have to show for myself - filth and guilt and loneliness.
I don't really want to be in this place right now, there is a lot I want to change, there is a lot I want to be. I don't know who I am right now, and I certainly don't like her very much, whoever she is. I don't feel as afraid as I am prone, but I feel like I have lost some sense of self monitoring - control over anything. I am at the mercy of whatever is leftover at the end of the day or week. I can't even make a dentist appointment or pick up a prescription, let alone pass my classes or walk my dogs. I haven't cooked dinner, or done laundry, all of my laughter seems so temporary and false, no matter how much I try to ensure its integrity... Alone and sad, but still expected, required, to be everything,always... At great cost... Such a cost

After (finally)

2006-09-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

A new place to rest my tired bum and a hanging t.v.! Not a bad change as far as I am concerned! Evan was in charge of the before pictures, and as one astute reader noticed, they were actually more of "in-the-middle" pictures, as the old junky furniture had already made a swift exit and the boob tube had already found its new home on the mantle... sigh...
The beautiful thing about leather - dog hair doesn't seem to care for it much, which in my household, is a relationship we will take and run with!!! Also it looks kind of grown-up and fancy, like I actually have style, time, and money! I won't tell you which of those three, if any, I actually possess... I will say though that we got a run-away-before-they-change-their-minds kind of deal on these pieces... (I had to say that you know, I am my mother' daughter, and I am just way too proud of the price tag!) You may also notice the matching dog beds. Evan is on a training mission to teach Belle that her fancy-pancy bed has a magic energy field that keeps her from going anywhere or to anyone, unless we release the before mentioned magic field! She isn't yet convinced, but Evan is doing an excellent job of
brain-washing, it won't be long before she completely submits to our power! On a side note, the big girls would rather share a bed then enjoy their own - go figure - they appreciate a good cuddle, while Marcie, on the other hand, steals the empty bed, and lounges like Cleopatra herself - quite a sight!
In other news, Belle passed her test with flying colors! She was actually one of two in our entire class that didn't totally stress and freak and fail miserably! What a girl! That gives us until Nov. 5th to practice and solidify her training for the final exam!
Another FYI, our mollie pair have gotten down and dirty and we now have over forty little mollies thriving beautifully in our all-of-a-sudden too small tank! Yikes! Why do I feel guilty at the thought of thinning them out... maybe it's the looming picture of a flushing toilet bowl that makes my stomach flip a little... I don't think I will have much luck giving them away, as they are a mixed breed mollie, and generally speaking they are a dime a dozen around these parts. So the drama remains... I will probably put off my decision until they have all tripled in size and are cannibalizing each other due to lack of space, a perfectly stupid response I know, but one I have spent my life perfecting...
Oh, I have so many posts floating around my head, but sadly antimicrobials are stealing my time! After that its internal medicine - maybe I will get some small breaks, I hope so!
Until then I will leave you with my new best friend! I will link it when I have more time! Pandora.com

Before

2006-09-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

Don't hold your breath waiting, my brain is a little scattered as of late with pharm and cardio... at the same freaking time! But, I will promise, the 'after' - it's good! As in dead cow stretched over squishy padding kind of good. See, your interest is piqued! Your hooked... You are going to keep coming back in a state of rapt suspense... I promise to deliver, just not sure when...
And on a side note, wish Bella good luck and send her thoughts of calm submission for tomorrow - she takes the first of two tests to become a licensed therapy dog.
Yeah Bella!

Answer Time!

2006-09-12T20:40:00.000-07:00

1)Scabies, malassezia dermatitis, and flea allergy dermatitis. "Intense" is classified by the type of itching that if you were to throw a tennis ball, the dog would stop to scratch on the way to retrieve it, and at least twice on the way back with the ball ;)
2)Technically both can infect humans, but the answer I was fishing for was sarcoptes, as it is the only one that reliably causes lesions in owners of infected pets. (and supposedly M.D.'s do not know how to appropriately treat said condition, but that is another story entirely, and probably faulty info at best!) (shout out to all my M.D. readers!)
3)Dust mites it is, pesky buggers! Do you know the average mattress doubles in size over a ten year period thanks to these little guys!
4)licking - a cat can remove half its hair coat before an owner even suspects a problem - talk about a hair ball!
5)Demodicosis (demodex mites that lives in the hair follicle), dermatomycosis (better know as my friend the ringworm), and stap. intermedius infections
6)Boxers (Miss Penny - make sure to keep those lips clean and dry!)
7)True, it lives peacefully with the rest of the normal flora, quietly plotting its total body takeover!
8) Pseudomonas - apparently this bug is prone to developing nasty drug resistance, and there is not a large spectrum of affordable or licensed veterinary antibiotics that can get overcome this problem! (malassezia on the other hand can be cleared up rather quickly with frequent Selsen Blue shampooing, and can also be treated sytemically with ketoconazole)
9)The pruritis will subside initially, but quickly return and show no further response to the medication
10)aww, poor Jubilee... she licks and scratches, and rolls - especially come spring time. Fatty acids have shown to relieve pruritis in 75% of mildly atopic patients when supplemented once daily. Hey, it's worth a shot!

Thanks for playing along - if only my actual exam was this fun!

Rock'n the Derm

2006-09-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

Pop Quiz:
1)The three dermatologic conditions known to cause INTENSE pruritis in the dog?

2)Which of the two main types of ectoparasites causing canine infection are considered zoonotic? Demodex or sarcoptes?

3)The most common allergen of an atopic dog is:
a)weeds
b)pollen
c)dust mites
d)humans

4)The most common clinical manifestation of pruritis in the feline is?
a)scratching
b)licking
c)vocalizing
d)biting

5)The three most common conditions causing folliculitis in the canine?

6)Name a breed of dog prone to developing facefold/lipfold pyodermas?
a)yorkie
b)golden
c)boxer
d)dane

7)true or false: Malassezia pachydermatis is a normal inhabitant of the dog and cat ear?

8) Classically, which condition causing otitis externa in the dog is the most difficult to clear?
a)stap. intermedius
b)pseudomonas
c)malassezia
extra credit: Why?

9)True or false: Are glucocorticoids an effective treatment option against malassezia infections?

10)Which of the following dogs in the Wengel household shows symptoms of seasonal and nonseasonal allergies?
a)Marcie
b)Jubilee
c)Bella

extra credit: Would fatty acids be an appropriate treatment option for the above mentioned canine?

The Whisperer's Way

2006-09-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, I don't have a lot of time to write, which is a good thing really, because it's already hard enough having to admit that my mom is so, totally, right! (haha, just kidding mom!)
Cesar Millan is well on his way to becoming a god in our house, we even have the renters hooked (see comments to the Marsical Mae post (shout out to Kim!)). And let me tell you, there is much waiting at open doors and 'shhoost's' going on around this house! Calm energy abounds!!!

family photos

2006-09-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Dog photo shoots are kinda hard, hence the really bad photoshop. I would really like to get the three of them together though, they are so cute as a pack!

The Saga of Marsical Mae

2006-09-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have a little problem... Literally. She's about 7lbs. Her name is Marcie, and she is cute as hell. She also pees on things, and craps in dark, far away corners. I have never been the type of person who tolerates such behavior from a mere animal, whom I have graciously allowed to co-mingle with me - so I have what one may call a dilemma.
Now, I am fully aware that there is a learning curve in the canine brain-bladder/poophole connections. I understand that as the intelligent and reliably reasonable mammal, I alone assume the burden of responsibility when it comes to instilling and enforcing the value of eliminating out of doors. That being said, I am coming very close to the line in the sand that separates my success from defeat. Picture Planet of the Apes, only with Yorkshire terriers and lots and lots of poop...
She loves peeing outside, and on occasion she appears to enjoy pooping out there too. But, here's the kicker - carpets are good too, so's the couch, and the wood floors, Evan's lap... you get the point. She has even taken to soiling her little soft fluffy kennel blanket and then cuddling up for a snooze. And I wondered what that interesting smell was coming from, though I must admit it is a perfect match for her ever-present halatosis aroma.
What to do, what to do...
I have tried the systematic and intelligent approach first. More kennel time, more potty breaks, more supervision, the implementation of a schedule... 3 months of this!
Yeah right. That worked like a lead balloon flies.
So, no more Mrs. Nice guy! I'm cracking down. She is banished to an itty bitty little Marcie sized kennel, no more lap of luxury for her, speaking of which, no more soft and fluffy kennel blanket either - it's cold hard plastic for this little pup. I have committed to four regular outside trips during the day, where she will have 7 minutes to do what she is going to do, and then back to her prison she goes. At night she will have one small cup of food, and then she is on Kristin-arrest, where I go, she will be - no more running off to dark corners...
Which brings up another point, when I caught either of my two big dogs in the process of peeing in my house, I raised my voice! I said no! I dragged them outside to finish the act! And it caught on, "that wasn't any fun, maybe I won't do that again!" And they didn't! But with Marcie, I raise my voice, she pees harder, I say no! - she may poop a little on top of it, and if I take her outside to finish the job, she will have finished all over me by the time we get there... She is an emotional eliminator...So I am yet undecided on how to handle those caught-in-the-act moments...
Well, there you have it, my plan! I will update you on my progress.

P.S. There is one small detail I left out, I broke down and invested in some puppy pads. The internet told me that is how you solve a yorkie's housetraining problem - lay a diaper on the floor and give up entirely on the outdoor thing. Well, I'm not giving up, but I am tired of cleaning up after her, so in this hypertraining period of which I am embarking, don't mind the dog diapers scattered around my house!

New Digs

2006-09-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well, Well, Well.... Look what my computer guy made for me! It is such a work in progress, this blog is... And takes so much more work then I anticipated! But it looks pretty good so far, don't you think?
I was thinking I need a clever and/or witty catch phrase to fully encapsulate my place in this world... Any suggestions... hmm... I will have to let my subconscious brain think on that one for awhile... I am off to do doctor stuff, for alas, contrary to what it might look like from across your computer screen, my soul really has been sold to the college of vet med!

A List of Tales

2006-09-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

My childhood was peppered with colorful, beautiful, entertaining, and thought-provoking literature and media. I can thank my parents in large part for introducing me to so many wonderful stories, and inspiring me to continue seeking out fascinating characters and plots on my own. I have made a beginning list of 'must shares' for my own future kiddos. The barest of essentials, to help build in them an education and appreciation for the great joys in life, and ultimately, to share some of the life-changing fairytales of my own childhood.
Any other suggestions? Any great books/movies from your childhood? What about music? What have I left out? What would you put on your personal list?

Anne of Green Gables series

Chronicles of Narnia

Harry Potter

A Series of Unfortunate Circumstances

A Wrinkle in Time series

Charlotte's Web, Stuart Little,The Trumpet of the Swan

Read Along Bible Stories volumes 1-4

All Things Wise and Wonderful, All Creatures Great and Small, All Things Bright and Beautiful, The Lord God Made Them All

Laura Ingalls Wilder

The Hobbit and The lord of the Rings

The Giver

Island of the Blue Dolphins

The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle

The Pain and the Great One

The incredible Journey

Tuck Everlasting

The Return of the Twelves

Shel Silverstein

Anne Frank

Gentle Ben

Where the Red Fern Grows

The Ugly Dachshund

The Road to Avonlea Television Series

Ron Lucas Who's in Charge Now?

Jubilee

2006-08-31T19:22:00.000-07:00

I was a kid when I picked her out from the litter. I actually picked and then re-picked and picked again... For as it goes, a teenager is oft to wax and wane between moments of indecision, closely followed by apparently obvious clarity. The puppies grew older and shaped into the dogs they would become, and I at last came to a final decision, and I could not have chosen better.
She turned out to be a gorgeous dog, golden flowing fur and perfectly proportioned features. She had a spirit of perseverance and calm passion, and as a pup a submission that won out over all her other senses. She would hit the ground with all four feet flung in the air if you so much as looked her way, let alone imply that you wanted her to do something. "That is the worst dog yet, she won't even come when she's called!" my dad responded in exasperation, as my puppy lay crying and quaking in her signature 'take me now' position, at the mere sound of his call whistle. She grew braver and more independent, and eventually very well trained. I trained her, and she trained me a little bit too. Lessons in patience, forgiveness, and a little skill I like to call planning ahead, as in don't leave the dog alone in a house of full garbage cans, or my personal favorite, don't let the dog off leash on a warm evening when joggers and their unsuspecting canine counterparts will surely be passing by.
We made a good team, spending most of our energies showing off, winning awards, eating up the many second glances and glowing remarks passersby would assuredly dole out to such a striking pair. We were a good mix of talent, time, and relationship. What a joy she has been to me, a strong companion, a willing presence, a simple witness to my existence and experience, and she has played the role with such grace and beauty.
What a strange beautiful partnership we've shared over the years. She got a crazy kid to call her own, and spent her life in the wake of change and emotional highs and lows. Maybe not the good-life of consistent routines and a calm, mature, level-headed master, but she remained steadfast and charming through it all.
She played the role of calm, of reliability, of love, and devotion, she was my proverbial rock. I could always tell when I was off-center, when I had spent too many days caught up in school work or high-school love affairs and not enough time with her - with us, which also generally meant not enough time with my family and my God. She would blend passively into the woodwork, until finally she could take no more of my poor choices and immaturity, grab hold of my leg, and hump like crazy. As uncomfortable and embarrassing as these moments were, I heard the message loud and clear, and I listened to it, unlike my response to most other wise counsel. A strange and beautiful partnership indeed.
I find myself finally beginning to take a deep relaxing breath in my life journey. To feel confident of myself and my choices, to sit back and settle in. I guess its called growing up, learning to take things in stride and confidently become who I wanted to be all along. At last my path seems to stretch out straighter - a less rocky, more peaceful experience surely lies ahead.
What a great road to travel down with a dog! And what better walking companion then the one who earned the right, the golden who remained with me on the wonderfully rough road of adolescence, and pre-adulthood. The dog who quietly weathered the storm of my indecision and fears, my joys and triumphs. The dog who kept up with the ridiculous lifestyle of a crazy teen, traveled away with her to college, accepted the challenge and whirlwind of a new husband, and didn't blink an eye when she added not one, but two more canine family members to the mix! Goodness knows she deserves a break too, an easier jaunt, one without so much drama...
But when I look down at her, I look into blue eyes, set in a face that is white with age. I run my hand across her body, lumpy and bumpy with tumors and cysts. She struggles to pull her stiff body up the stairs, and tires out on long walks.
I grew up and she grew old.
I'm having to come to terms with the fact that she isn't up for the rest of my journey. (Only don't tell her that, because she isn't planning on ever leaving me alone, and certainly hasn't a sense of age or time.) But she is slowing down, and her time is coming to an end. I know my children will never get to know her, that she wont help me raise them, that my life will continue without her in it.
We're running out of time, and I still have so much life I want to live with her.
She will leave a hole not quickly filled, for what will I be without her gentle influence, her annoying habits, her lovable shenanigans.
I grew up... And she grew old... I suppose that's the way of it... I wish I could make more sense of the sadness that this truth brings. Time... Age.. Love...Loss.

Nobody likes reading someone else's to-do list

2006-02-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

But it's my blog - I can write whatever I want - it's your choice to read it.
My life is falling to bits around me. Not my soul, not my deeper sense - not yet. But my laundry and dishes, and the little dog hair dustbunnies that are EVERYWHERE. I long for order and neatness (it doesn't necessarily have to be clean) The comfort I get from a orderly and tidy "life" is capable of fueling almost everything else, or at least gives it a push in the right direction. Truth be told, I hate doing house work, and maintaining organization. Actually, not only do I hate it, but I generally suck at it too. But having it done, and keeping up on it is somehow intricately related to my wellbeing, like good Karma or Fung Schwai (sp?) The idea that if you are surrounded by beauty, and happiness, and peace it starts to blend into you, and it becomes a little easier to be beautiful and happy and peaceful.
It's always the first to go for me, the good vibes of my environment, but then everything else that is needed to make me a happy, well balanced, and successful person starts to follow... And that is where I am now... Holding desperately to the threads of my mental health, my walk with God, my relationship with my husband, and my studies.
All of that on the line, and all I can focus on is the dirty underwear on the floor, and the smelly dog blankets that need to be washed, and the pile of "stuff" sitting on my desk that has a place to be and just isn't there right now. The list goes on and on, sitting defiantly - a mockery of the destruction it is causing within me.
Now here is my biggest frustration, the worst enemy in this plight: It's ME. I have no problem identifying the issue, its fixing it I can't seem to manage. Its a cycle of sorts - I feel down and overwhelmed because of the mess, but I don't pick up the mess because I am too gloomy and emotionally fragile (which, hard as it is to fully understand has a direct effect on my physical energy levels) It seems so simple in words - empty the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, pick up the underwear. But that is where I struggle, I flounder, I drown under the weight of the waves. Perhaps I sound melodramatic, but the desperation is intense, the struggle is real, and I hate it - I hate myself for it. I have no one else to blame. If you don't like the state of things, Kristin - change it, or stop whining already! Why, oh why isn't it that easy...
Unfortunately this is one of the places in our lives where Q and I could have used a little more "different but complementing" personalities. Sadly, he is my greatest helper in trashing these physical aspects of our life, we are messy in different ways, but struggle with the organizing, cleaning, and upkeep almost identically. Where we are different, and this infuriates me to no end, is it doesn't bother him!! He can get up an be just as happy and peaceful and focused as always, even when there are poop streaks in the toilet bowl and no clean socks in the drawer. Sure he like a tidy house as well as the next guy but it doesn't eat at him, it doesn't wreak havoc on his soul, and I think he is only just beginning to understand how it leaves my own soul so vulnerable...

So, without further ado, my list:
Fold laundry
take pop cans to deposit
wash dog blankets and beds
organize and put away sewing stuff
vacuum and clean dog room
get dog food
replant cutting of tank plants
clean litter boxes
wash couch blankets
vacuum, dust house
mop dining room floors
throw out bad food in fridge
pick up dirty clothes in bathroom, bedroom, and study
clean out stuff from under bed and vacuum under there
load dishwasher
clean kitchen counters
throw out empty shampoo bottles
clean sink and toilet
clean the baseboards in bathroom
do towel laundry
do clothes laundry
organize school notebooks and tests
print notes for upcoming tests
take car in to get a new tire
clean out and tidy car
e-mail ARL about summer job
clip Jubilee's toenails
buy ink cartridge
organize the bathroom cupboards, and vanity drawers
get my eyebrows waxed and hair cut maybe?
unpack a still packed suitcase
go grocery shopping
call Clear Lake for summer reservations
take fecal sample to vet
replace light bulbs in bathroom
dust TV and computer
I'm sure there is more, I will have to update

Too much and not enough

2006-02-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

This is how I have lived most of my adult life feeling. If I would give to you a brief summary of my self-sense, that’s it. I’m too much and not enough. High maintenance, if you will, without a lot of output in all of the wrong places. Too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too passionate, too opinionated. Not happy enough, not kind enough, not motivated enough, not brave enough, not thin enough, not organized enough. The list goes on and on and on. It’s so hard to find and sustain meaningful relationships, I feel unseen, unknown, unsought, even to those closest to me. And the problem has always been me, I’m the problem: I’m too much and not enough. I can try harder or retreat deeper, and yet never fix the problem. But for the first time I am realizing that perhaps I am not the problem at all…
I have hundreds of ideas and thoughts rushing in and out of my brain. Colors and flashes, moments of brilliance and complicated pathways of hope and wonder. Every turn supplying new confusion and breakthrough, deep sadness, and great joy. I get lost so easily, so scared, and lonely. Everything is so deep, far far away, and so alluring. I couldn’t live on the surface of my existence even if I gave all of my ever fleeting energy to do so. The call, the possibility, the glory in the world of the spirit and the blend of the soul, I can’t deny it, I can’t avoid it, I am forever drawn. But with its wonder so comes confusion and emptiness. I long to share myself - the darkness and the light. I long to have someone come alongside in the adventure of my soul, the meaning uniquely my own, the something that I am almost certain of, at times, is a gift directly from the Creator himself… but in the depths of feelings and pains that I so easily lose control over, I sometimes doubt. Maybe though, that’s the key I have missed all along - maybe instead of being the roadblock, the thing keeping me from my heart’s desire, perhaps it is my gift, my essential beauty. If I can only be brave enough to embrace it. To be alone hurts so very much – it hurts more then anything else – but to ask for, to expect a partner in the turmoil, in the confusion, in the complicated and yet beautiful adventure… it has always been too much.
If I ever doubted the truth of that statement, the world enforces the sentiment daily. They push back, they hold off, back off, over and over again: “I’m not going there.” So often I have given in, I retreat, I go alone, I am alone, and I am sad and incomplete.
My husband is a gift, he is a fit for my life. I used to think in the dreamy honeymoon moments that he was a perfect fit. He’s not. But what I have learned, and am learning constantly, is that we fit enough, and we signed on for a lifetime of co-molding. I need him in my adventure, with all of its glory and horribleness, and I know the longing of his soul, I know his ultimate constant desire… but even he suffers the sin of the world, even he has known the impulse to back off, to stay at arms length, to not go there… And so we must mold where we do not fit. We have to seek our ultimate longing, and trust in that beyond the indoctrinated sins of this world. He must say, “I am coming with you to the depths, whatever that may bring – you are not too much to handle.” And I must say, “Please come with me to my depths – I am not too much to handle.”

He ate alone

2006-01-27T18:44:00.000-08:00

I saw a man tonight, who ate by himself. Alone at a table in a fast food place. Little children buzzed around him with grime-crusted t-shirts and their little fingers coated in French fry grease. Mothers and fathers filled tables and booths around this man. They ate hurriedly, pausing often to call a child back from the game corner nearby. I watched as the man got confused when his gift card was 78 cents short. I watched as he scrambled slowly and laboriously to find change in his pockets, and coin purse, and wallet. He finally pulled out a five dollar bill and asked that the difference be put on the depleted gift card. He smiled and shook his head as he looked at the floor and talked to himself under his breath. I watched as the line built up behind him, as the cashier laughed politely, albeit nervously, at the man's mannerisms and perhaps the situation. I saw as people pointed him out to their friends. Discreetly and from a distance. He ate alone. Quietly, contentedly, and the whole time talking in a hushed voice as if his very best friend was sitting next to him. The dark night outside the window beside him reflected his gesturing hands and chagrined expression. I felt sorry for him, and all the while hated that response inside myself. If he wasn't different from everyone else, maybe he would be eating with a pretty girl, or have a little child to sit beside him. If he wasn't different maybe he would have a friend. He would have someone who would like him and understand him and want to be with him. If he just wasn't different... The thing is, I don't wish him to not be different - not really. I don't want to change him, I want to change me. He really was so beautiful. So unique and special. He was so kind and interesting, why should it be his fault that no one else can see it, that no one dares to be his friend, to love him purely for just who he is. It's not his fault that that he was eating alone - it's mine, and everyone else in that room, who felt a little uncomfortable, who looked away, who felt sorry for him. I live in a bubble, a place of false security. I want to be better than that. For myself and for others around me. I want to change my world, I want to influence the lives around me. I want relationship to be a tool in my purpose not merely a self-gratifying pleasure. No one should have to eat alone because they are different, because no one has had the courage to say to them, Thank God you are!

"Bella the Nose"

2006-01-26T20:07:00.000-08:00

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all

Thank you God for the gift of animals in my life, thank you for their message,thank you for their joy

Test tomorrow

2006-01-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

My God, be my hope when I am without, be my passion when my eyes hurt and my head is pulsating. Lord, be my energy, when I am lost and tired. Savior, be my comfort when I am scared. Be my Father when, as a child, I cry out in frustration and anxiety. Let me find the joy you have placed within me, and may that joy be for you alone.

Hope unfulfilled

2006-01-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

The longing and ache for my baby is getting downright annoying! It's a feeling I can't quite understand, an intimate knowing and hoping and loving, that for as wonderful as it is, seems inappropriately timed as this baby is years from being born. I feel a lonely emptiness, not sadness or grief - just a sense of unfulfilled hope. There is a mother inside of me, and everyday more of me is morphing into that existence. I hope I am doing right by this child, right for my husband and I, right for my ultimate purpose (whatever that may be), to wait. School has taken so much from me, and threatens so much more. Such a huge part is not ready now, and I am denying the part that is so very ready - hiding, covering, trying to convince myself that it is for the best, that it is necessary for now.

In a nutshell

2006-01-21T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not as cool and crazy as I once was - not nearly as much fun either. I haven't dyed my hair in well over a year, my makeup bag has long ago become lost in the back of the cabnet, and I get way too excited at the prospect of finally buying a bra that fits! I am married to a programmer, he's good at what he does. He writes software, makes a lot of money ( I can say that because I don't contribute a cent!) and he loves me even when I smell bad and yell alot -both of which happen way too often. I am a vet student, half way through my second year (in other words, a year and a half ago I sold my soul to the devil, threw out my rose-colored glasses, and got cozy with the dark hole which is now my life. We have a Dane and a Golden, a crippled cat, and three kittens who are currently suffering from a fungal infection, along with my husband these creatures are my sunshine - call me nutty, I probably am after all. I don't get out much anymore, I miss my friends. I am often tired, cranky, and scared - I am only human after all, but I also have a deep calming peace - for I am where I must be, God is good, and hopefully in another couple years I will be both smarter and better adjusted, though I have a hunch I will still be just me, which has always managed to somehow be good enough.

The Wengels

2006-01-18T20:09:00.000-08:00

A New Leaf

2006-01-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

Well, here goes nothing. My first blog entry ever. Funny, but my first gut reaction is that I hope nobody reads this... I have been obsessed with blog reading for well over a year now, addicted to specific writers and I spend hours of my free times searching for new stories and lives that speak to my soul.
I have been depressed. And I am sick of it. I have started taking medicine - have successfully made it a whole week, which when it comes to daily taking a little pill is quite the achievement for me! If my birth control method required a once a day pill I would surely be pregnant by now, so alas I really must be sick of being depressed! Sick of being angry and sad and lonely and lost. I need to write more and pray more. So this should be good all the way around... I hope.
I pray for peace God, and love. I have such a dark life, my thoughts are sinful and selfish, I long for things that will make me happy because I hate being sad, even when I know that sadness is a gift when I have you in my life, when you are my goal and my joy. I want to want you more - I want to sing your glory, I want to shine your light, I want to pull myself from the depths of my own disgusting self toward your light and your promises! I want to be happy because of you and not of my own actions and dreams and expectations. I have been relying on myself and trying to hold my husband accountable for my loneliness and sin, and have failed both him and I... And you my Lord. Q is not my God, nor my redeemer - I am not those things either, and I am nothing without them. I am tired of living - or trying to live - like this. I choose, you, God in face of all of my circumstances and fears, all of my needs and longing, all of my dreams and hopes - I give to you, I entrust you, and ask you to take control, to regain your rightful and perfect place in my life. Give me the wisdom and peace to stay out of your way, remind me always of your sovereignty, forgiveness, and love. I am in need, and will forever be.